T-Mobile Royal Wedding, Prince William and Kate MiddletonThe eyes of the whole world will be on her throughout the internationally televised ceremony, and for some reason this has made Kate Middleton a bit nervous.
Having appeared on TV in front of similar sized audiences (Big Brother’s Little Brother) I feel I’m the perfect person to offer some advice.
So here’s what Kate (who is obviously reading this over breakfast) should do today if anything does go wrong…
Emergency: One trips while being taken up the aisle.
Solution: Style it out. Turn that tumble into a dance move, and keep it up all the way to the altar. Sister/bridesmaid Pippa to then start Chinese whisper round the abbey that the couple, giving a nod to the YouTube craze of dancing up the aisle, shows how modern and unstuffy they are. This will make everyone decide it’s Diana’s influence and thus Kate’s You’ve Been Framed moment is instantly rebranded A Moving Tribute/What She Would Have Wanted.
Emergency: Half-way up the aisle one clocks a guest wearing the exact same dress as one.
Solution: Unlikely, yes – but still possible. Bear in mind, Posh is going. Just in case, Kate should wear a wedding dress underneath her wedding dress, so she can quickly take the top one off (maybe it could have Bucks Fizz-esque velcro?) if this nightmare situation occurs. If it doesn’t happen she’ll have to get married in two dresses, which will look a little bulky – but everyone’s been saying she’s too thin recently so it could be a blessing in disguise.
Emergency: Any of Wills’ multiple-barrelled exes pipe up when The AB of C does the “If anyone has any reason to object” bit.
Solution: Object right back. Which is the signal for Pippa to rugby tackle the guilty party and drag her out of the abbey by her hair.
Emergency: One forgets to curtsy to the Queen post-ceremony.
Solution: Protocol dictates Kate must do this, and apparently it’s the thing she’s most scared of not remembering. The answer’s obvious and old school – she needs to write it on her hand in biro. The actual words would be noticed but if she simply draws a crown to symbolise Her Maj and an arrow pointing down that should work. Luckily, there is no way that message could be misconstrued by anyone.
Emergency: One’s hot mess uncle shows one up.
Solution: Those bodyguards one’s not allowed to go anywhere without? They wouldn’t just TAKE a bullet for one, if one gets my drift.
Emergency: One slips the tongue in during The Balcony Kiss, one’s new hubby doesn’t.
Solution: Preparation is key. Kate needs to discuss this in advance with Wills and agree on whether they’re doing the kiss British-style or French.
She could always agree on tongue then, at the last minute, change her mind so he’s immortalised as a letchy idiot on commemorative plates for the rest of time. It depends on whether she wants the popularity contest to start right away or after the honeymoon…
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